The Gerbil rocket

(1997 - 1998) "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to save the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard toilet paper tube up his rectum and slipped Ragout, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had reached nirvana, so to speak. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he simply would not come out, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman desribed what happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal methane gas in Kiki's colon. Flames shot out the tube, ignited Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers, causing it to scurry further up Kiki's colon, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out of the cardboard tube like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Sadly, Ragout the gerbil did not survive the incident.

The Taser Test!!!!!

Dear Carl,

Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.

Awesome!!!

I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave.

There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.

I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL!

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!!

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Jacob

Accident Report

Accident Report

This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

Irish Jokes

Irish Jokes

A Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn you, anything you choose, the other man gets twice as much of."

The German goes first. He says "I'll have a glass of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like.

So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two glasses of the same beer. The German says "Now taste a real beer, not that Guinness sewage!"

The genie then turns to the Irishman and says "Now it's your turn, but remember the German will get twice what you wish for."

The Irishman says "Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
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So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"

"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"

"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall leprechaun out of his shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"

"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three-inch tall man supped back his whiskey.

"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"

With that the guy flips a coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.

"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"

"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor an asshole."
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Old Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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Paddy O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
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A young married Dublin couple enjoyed a full sex life and the woman became accustomed to rewarding him between the sheets for any act of kindness.
But he wanted to prove to her that he wanted her for more than just sex, so one day, on the spur of the moment, he bought her a huge bouquet of flowers.

"They're lovely," she said before adding suspiciously,

"I suppose you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs apart?"

"Why?" said the husband, puzzled? "Don't we have a vase anymore?"
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An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled, " the man said. "We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don't fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

Unfortunate Husband

Unfortunate Husband

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Chinese birth predictor: Baby boy or girl?

This ancient Chinese birth chart was uncovered in the tomb of a monk in Beijing, according to legend. When archaeologists examined the parchment it was printed on, they found that the chart predicts the sex of your baby with a spooky amount of accuracy.

Just look down the chart to find how old you'll be when you give birth and along the top for the month your baby was conceived. The square where the two meet will show if you're having a boy or a girl.

And if it works for you, let us know!

AGE	JAN	FEB	MAR	APR	MAY	JUN	JLY	AUG	SEP	OCT	NOV	DEC
18	F	M	F	M	M	M	M	M	M	M	M	M
19	M	F	M	F	F	M	M	F	M	M	F	F
20	F	M	F	M	M	M	M	M	M	F	M	M
21	M	F	F	F	F	F	F	F	F	F	F	F
22	F	M	M	F	M	F	F	M	F	F	F	F
23	M	M	M	F	M	M	F	F	F	M	M	F
24	M	F	F	M	M	F	M	F	M	M	F	M
25	F	M	F	M	F	M	F	M	F	M	M	M
26	M	M	M	M	M	F	M	F	F	M	F	F
27	F	F	M	M	F	M	F	F	M	F	M	M
28	M	M	M	F	F	M	F	M	F	F	M	F
29	F	M	F	F	M	F	F	M	F	M	F	F
30	M	M	F	M	F	M	M	M	M	M	M	M
31	M	M	M	M	F	F	M	F	M	F	F	F
32	M	F	F	M	F	M	M	F	M	M	F	M
33	F	M	M	F	F	M	F	M	F	M	M	F
34	M	M	F	F	M	F	M	M	F	M	F	F
35	M	F	M	F	M	F	M	F	M	M	F	M
36	M	F	M	M	M	F	M	M	F	F	F	F
37	F	F	M	F	F	F	M	F	F	M	M	M
38	M	M	F	F	M	F	F	M	F	F	M	F
39	F	F	M	F	F	F	M	F	M	M	F	M
40	M	M	M	F	M	F	M	F	M	F	F	M
41	F	F	M	F	M	M	F	F	M	F	M	F
42	M	F	F	M	M	M	M	M	F	M	F	M
43	F	M	F	F	M	M	M	F	F	F	M	M
44	M	F	F	F	M	F	M	M	F	M	F	M
45	F	M	F	M	F	F	M	F	M	F	M	F

ENGLAND SQUAD

ENGLAND'S OFFICIAL 23-MAN ENGLAND SQUAD:
Goalkeepers: Rob Green, David James, Joe Hart.
Defenders: Rio Ferdinand, Ashley Cole, Glen Johnson, John Terry, Jamie Carragher, Stephen Warnock, Matthew Upson, Ledley King.
Midfielders: Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Aaron Lennon, James Milner, Shaun Wright-Phillips.
Strikers: Wayne Rooney, Emile Heskey, Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch.
Left out: Bent, Walcott, Baines, Adam Johnson, Tom Huddlestone, Scott Parker, Michael Dawson.

Why dogs are better than women

Why dogs are better than women

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is just for a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine your relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

If a dog gets old and starts to snap at you constantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

Dogs never buy Kenny G or Michael Bolton albums.

Dogs never put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It is legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, not in your wallet, your pockets, or your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

A dog would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

UK Useless Facts

95% of £5 notes have been in contact with cocaine.

If you buy a lottery ticket at 7pm on Saturday, you are more likely to die in the hour before the draw than you are to win.

No word in the English language rhymes with the word unicorn.

The easiest way to become a millionaire is to convert £4 sterling into Turkish Lire.

The Guiness Book of Records lists 'The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick' as the hardset tongue twister.

The most dangerous part of a plane journey from the UK to Australia is the drive to the airport.

An average of four people a year in Britain are killed by writing instruments.

Three serious accidents a year in Britain can be attributed to pencil sharpeners.

Last year, 43 British adults died in their bathtubs.

27 million porn mags are sold in the UK each year.

Britons eat on average 2.2 curries a week - spending £2.8 billion every year.

Lambeth council in south London owes £850 million (as of 1999) - this is more than the national debt of Guatemala.

During December 1998, Barclays Bank's cash machines in the UK dispensed a total of £1.24 billion in notes.

The average British motorist is overcharged by 50p a year for their petrol due to faulty pumps.

Accidents in the UK home for 1996: 343 injured putting on their socks; 112 hurt reading a newspaper; 41 hospitalised by marbles; 34 hurt by cardboard; 12 hosipitalised by paperclips; 11 accidents involving bathroom scales; 6 hurt using talcom powder; 2 hurt by tea cosys.

In 1870, British boxing champ Jim Mace and an American challenger fought for almost 4 hours without landing a single punch!

On 3rd March 1991, the Queen needed 3 stitches in one of her fingers after she tried to break up a fight between two of her corgies.

During World War 2, the British Minister of food considered a plan to feed the population with black pudding - secretly made from surplus human blood bank donations. The idea was thankfully rejected.

In the last 10 years, 8 people in Britain have been killed by cows.

During the 1978 fireman strike an army unit rescued an old lady's cat from a tree and then run over it as they drove away.

50% of male Internet users in Britain have viewed pornography on the Internet.

On average, in the UK per year:

488 people are injured by zips;
3,078 people are injured by slippers;
315 people are injured by photo frames;
and 70,000 are injured by dogs.

If every credit card in Britain was laid end to end they would stretch from London to Istanbul. (As of November 2001).

It is legal for a pregnant woman to relieve herself anywhere, including a policeman’s hat if she so requests.

In Kent before entering a plea the accused has the right to request trial by combat, to which the plaintive must select combat by knife, cudgel, or blacksmiths hammer, or must withdraw the charge.

The full name of the caterpillar from Danger Mouse is "Instar Emperor Nero the Second of Chorlton-Cum-Hardy".

WEIRD LAWS

Britain

In London, Hackney taxis must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.

It is illegal to be drunk in a pub or club, or any other licensed premises.

Oddly, it is illegal to consume a mince pie on Christmas Day.

In Hereford, you may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close.

However, in Chester you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

Also in York, excluding Sundays, it is apparently legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.

In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public unless they are a clerk in a tropical fish store.

It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full coat of armour.

Sleeping with a consort of the queen is classified as treason, and as such carries a maximum penalty of death.

Placing a postage stamp of the queen upside down, is also considered treason.

It is unlawful to impersonate an Chelsea pensioner.

It is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday. It is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price, and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday.

The following are legal though:

a male may urinate in public, so long as it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle, and his right hand is on the vehicle.

all English males over the age of 14 are to carry out approximately two hours of longbow practice a week, supervised by the local clergy.

The Grand Kiwi Farting Competition

The Grand Kiwi Farting Competition

Under International Rules of farting

To be held at the East German Farting Stadium

Fart off: 8:40 p.m.

Referees:

1 - Former Farting Champion (all classes) of Egypt and the Lebanon National Services.
2 - Wet Fart Champion of the UK and the Isle of Man.

Chairman: Still holds the World Record Duration Fart for 9 seconds (unbeaton after training on Pernod, Duck Eggs, Barm Cakes and Mushy Peas).

Rules:

When called, each competitor will step on the raised platform and must lower his/her trousers on the platform.

They will grip the Farting Post; any grip is permitted, one hand or both.

At a given signal from the senior referee, the competitor will commence to fart.

A SH*T IS IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFIED!

Grading: Dry farts, long farts, wet farts, short farts, alternating long and short farts, rip-raps, bubbles and squeaks.

The referees will take into consideration the quality of all farts - strength, odour, posture of competitor, and grip used. Cushion dusters, planket rippers and thunder claps are admissible. Echo chambers will NOT be allowed.

After the final fart, a demonstration will be given by the World Champion farter. Also by a runner-up who came within 1 second of the 1976 World Championship, but was disqualified for sh*tting. The Thunder Box Farting Formation Team will give a display of formation farting.

The audience is requested not to fart during the competition as this upsets the referees.

The drinking of alcohol and the eating of peanuts are not permitted during the contest as this causes the arse to quiver, which distorts the farts, giving a false sound.