Irish Jokes

Irish Jokes

A Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn you, anything you choose, the other man gets twice as much of."

The German goes first. He says "I'll have a glass of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like.

So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two glasses of the same beer. The German says "Now taste a real beer, not that Guinness sewage!"

The genie then turns to the Irishman and says "Now it's your turn, but remember the German will get twice what you wish for."

The Irishman says "Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
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So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"

"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"

"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall leprechaun out of his shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"

"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three-inch tall man supped back his whiskey.

"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"

With that the guy flips a coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.

"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"

"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor an asshole."
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Old Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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Paddy O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
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A young married Dublin couple enjoyed a full sex life and the woman became accustomed to rewarding him between the sheets for any act of kindness.
But he wanted to prove to her that he wanted her for more than just sex, so one day, on the spur of the moment, he bought her a huge bouquet of flowers.

"They're lovely," she said before adding suspiciously,

"I suppose you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs apart?"

"Why?" said the husband, puzzled? "Don't we have a vase anymore?"
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An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled, " the man said. "We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don't fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.