Why dogs are better than women

Why dogs are better than women

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is just for a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine your relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

If a dog gets old and starts to snap at you constantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

Dogs never buy Kenny G or Michael Bolton albums.

Dogs never put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It is legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, not in your wallet, your pockets, or your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

A dog would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

UK Useless Facts

95% of £5 notes have been in contact with cocaine.

If you buy a lottery ticket at 7pm on Saturday, you are more likely to die in the hour before the draw than you are to win.

No word in the English language rhymes with the word unicorn.

The easiest way to become a millionaire is to convert £4 sterling into Turkish Lire.

The Guiness Book of Records lists 'The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick' as the hardset tongue twister.

The most dangerous part of a plane journey from the UK to Australia is the drive to the airport.

An average of four people a year in Britain are killed by writing instruments.

Three serious accidents a year in Britain can be attributed to pencil sharpeners.

Last year, 43 British adults died in their bathtubs.

27 million porn mags are sold in the UK each year.

Britons eat on average 2.2 curries a week - spending £2.8 billion every year.

Lambeth council in south London owes £850 million (as of 1999) - this is more than the national debt of Guatemala.

During December 1998, Barclays Bank's cash machines in the UK dispensed a total of £1.24 billion in notes.

The average British motorist is overcharged by 50p a year for their petrol due to faulty pumps.

Accidents in the UK home for 1996: 343 injured putting on their socks; 112 hurt reading a newspaper; 41 hospitalised by marbles; 34 hurt by cardboard; 12 hosipitalised by paperclips; 11 accidents involving bathroom scales; 6 hurt using talcom powder; 2 hurt by tea cosys.

In 1870, British boxing champ Jim Mace and an American challenger fought for almost 4 hours without landing a single punch!

On 3rd March 1991, the Queen needed 3 stitches in one of her fingers after she tried to break up a fight between two of her corgies.

During World War 2, the British Minister of food considered a plan to feed the population with black pudding - secretly made from surplus human blood bank donations. The idea was thankfully rejected.

In the last 10 years, 8 people in Britain have been killed by cows.

During the 1978 fireman strike an army unit rescued an old lady's cat from a tree and then run over it as they drove away.

50% of male Internet users in Britain have viewed pornography on the Internet.

On average, in the UK per year:

488 people are injured by zips;
3,078 people are injured by slippers;
315 people are injured by photo frames;
and 70,000 are injured by dogs.

If every credit card in Britain was laid end to end they would stretch from London to Istanbul. (As of November 2001).

It is legal for a pregnant woman to relieve herself anywhere, including a policeman’s hat if she so requests.

In Kent before entering a plea the accused has the right to request trial by combat, to which the plaintive must select combat by knife, cudgel, or blacksmiths hammer, or must withdraw the charge.

The full name of the caterpillar from Danger Mouse is "Instar Emperor Nero the Second of Chorlton-Cum-Hardy".

WEIRD LAWS

Britain

In London, Hackney taxis must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.

It is illegal to be drunk in a pub or club, or any other licensed premises.

Oddly, it is illegal to consume a mince pie on Christmas Day.

In Hereford, you may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close.

However, in Chester you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

Also in York, excluding Sundays, it is apparently legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.

In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public unless they are a clerk in a tropical fish store.

It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full coat of armour.

Sleeping with a consort of the queen is classified as treason, and as such carries a maximum penalty of death.

Placing a postage stamp of the queen upside down, is also considered treason.

It is unlawful to impersonate an Chelsea pensioner.

It is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday. It is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price, and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday.

The following are legal though:

a male may urinate in public, so long as it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle, and his right hand is on the vehicle.

all English males over the age of 14 are to carry out approximately two hours of longbow practice a week, supervised by the local clergy.

The Grand Kiwi Farting Competition

The Grand Kiwi Farting Competition

Under International Rules of farting

To be held at the East German Farting Stadium

Fart off: 8:40 p.m.

Referees:

1 - Former Farting Champion (all classes) of Egypt and the Lebanon National Services.
2 - Wet Fart Champion of the UK and the Isle of Man.

Chairman: Still holds the World Record Duration Fart for 9 seconds (unbeaton after training on Pernod, Duck Eggs, Barm Cakes and Mushy Peas).

Rules:

When called, each competitor will step on the raised platform and must lower his/her trousers on the platform.

They will grip the Farting Post; any grip is permitted, one hand or both.

At a given signal from the senior referee, the competitor will commence to fart.

A SH*T IS IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFIED!

Grading: Dry farts, long farts, wet farts, short farts, alternating long and short farts, rip-raps, bubbles and squeaks.

The referees will take into consideration the quality of all farts - strength, odour, posture of competitor, and grip used. Cushion dusters, planket rippers and thunder claps are admissible. Echo chambers will NOT be allowed.

After the final fart, a demonstration will be given by the World Champion farter. Also by a runner-up who came within 1 second of the 1976 World Championship, but was disqualified for sh*tting. The Thunder Box Farting Formation Team will give a display of formation farting.

The audience is requested not to fart during the competition as this upsets the referees.

The drinking of alcohol and the eating of peanuts are not permitted during the contest as this causes the arse to quiver, which distorts the farts, giving a false sound.